Childhood is a precious time of being when people who love you cater to your every whim. You get to make as many mistakes as you need to learn how to become your best self. People constantly remind you how cute, intelligent, and important you are. They protect your environment so that you believe it too. That experience is optimal for children to grow into their purpose as adults. In the absence of such a childhood, some other results occur.
According to an article on child maltreatment and adult suicidality, approximately 30% of American adults have experienced abuse during childhood. A broad range of physical and emotional adult adverse effects are associated with childhood trauma, including suicide ideation. Many survivors struggle to get a grip on life and cling to the question, what would I have been if I hadn’t been abused?
The Over-Sized Question
The question “what would I have been?” is not rhetorical. It points to an inherent understanding that trauma changes the brain. Research shows that survivors of childhood trauma process information differently from adults without childhood trauma. Survivors tend to take fewer risks and isolate as preferred coping behaviors. These specific coping mechanisms could draw survivors’ attention away from their life purpose. Questioning the potential of an alternate life outcome won’t change things. However, understanding the potential for a more fulfilling life is a hopeful step on the healing journey.
Most survivors have meaningful careers, families, and social support systems. Still, trauma survivors are prone to a sense of life dissatisfaction, which causes them to wonder what would have been different. A better outcome cannot rely on a wish for the absence of trauma. The trauma experience cannot be reversed, but trauma responses can be neutralized. The sooner the trauma responses are neutralized, the more likely survivors are to reconnect with their purpose.
The trauma experience cannot be reversed, but trauma responses can be neutralized.
In the face of danger, trauma takes our attention hostage. The trauma response sets in the mind when we cannot stop a threat. Imagine this scenario. A 27-year-old man named Ashton was stung by a bee as a child. Unfortunately, he was allergic to bee stings. He was hospitalized for three days and was in a lot of pain. Twenty years later, he still refuses to spend time at the park for fear of being stung. I’m sure you are starting to see the point, but let’s break it down.
The Nature of Self-Defense
Not one day since Ashton was four-years-old did he wake up and consciously decide to stay away from the park. Instead, his avoidance became an unconscious adaptation of living. He barely remembers being in the hospital or that his parents never took him to the park after that day. Ashton’s defenses are working at the subconscious level to make him feel safe.
Three unconscious elements are working for him. 1) He avoids any situations that would put him around bees. He prefers cold weather and dislikes the summer. He attributes this to his Norwegian heritage despite being a 4th generation New Yorker. 2) He generalizes the threat of bees. So, he doesn’t go camping because he hates flying insects. He even refuses to eat any food that has an image of a bee on the label. He is unaware of these responses because he sees them as preferences. 3) He overreacts to any situation that exposes him to bees. Once, while walking with his three-year-old niece, she picked a tiny flower. He noticed a single bee about 20 feet from him just as his niece held the flower up to show him. He snatched the flower from her, threw it to the ground, and rushed away, telling her not to dirty her hands. He didn’t notice his heart racing or the harsh tone of his voice. The trauma response directs the brain to do three things:
- Avoid the thing that made you unsafe.
- Generalize the thing that made you unsafe.
- Over-react to the thing and its similarities.
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