You act from a place of purpose instead of pain when you heal. So, carry out the process of understanding and healing.

When the concept of healing is as popular as knowing your why, the two will marry and help people live happily ever after.

My definition of healing is addressing vulnerability so that the pain no longer dictates your actions.

You must meet your pain point with respect before an authentic why can be composed.

Most people prefer to hide pain, put it behind them, or deny it altogether. Little do they know that hidden pain is not invisible. It shows up in relationships as mistrust, neediness, or numbness.

At work, ignored pain shows up as disengagement and not being seen. Reflecting on the 40 years I spent denying my pain, I can’t believe I never applied for a leadership position, despite my qualifications.

I never wanted to be noticed because being noticed had caused harm. You can’t get clear on your why if you are running from your hurt. This is the part that most people skip.

Ten years before the #MeToo movement, I worked with adults who had experienced sexual abuse during childhood. I founded an empowerment organization that helped them live openly to find their voice.

Unhealed hearts struggle to see themselves as anything other than victims.

Asking why could trigger deep emotional pain, even when you have been successful in some areas of your life.

We haven’t been taught to address pain, especially in everyday conversation.

Much of my work with survivors involved educating the community and constituents on how to have safe conversations around such a sensitive topic.

Survivors feared that living openly meant they had to tell every detail of their experience. They didn’t know how to set boundaries around disclosure.

Part of empowerment was letting go of the secret while retaining dignity. Stating, “I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse,” was all that was warranted in most disclosures.

Listeners were disrespectful of the sensitivity and had not been taught how to support. They would ask unnecessary questions about the experience rather than listen for the pain point.

As part of my work, I created a list of responses to disclosure. The list included responses such as “I’m sorry that happen to you” and “Thank you for trusting me with that.” instead of asking about who, when, what, or why questions.

Transparency

Recently, I was spending time with a new friend. In the middle of the dinner conversation about family, we got on the topic of what girls are taught by their mothers and how teachings have hurt women.

My friend stated that her mother knew she was being sexually abused and did nothing. Instead of asking for details, I disclosed that “I’m an incest survivor as well.” We shook our heads respectfully at one another. Then we went right back to talking about other things.

It was a beautiful, natural and normal moment of transparency and authenticity. There was no shame in the moment, so no need to hide.

Neither of us carries a pain point around the experiences of our childhoods any longer. Yet, both our whys are connected to our work.

Not every why has to lead to a pain point. But, those that don’t are easier to figure out.

For example, you wanted to be a dancer because from age five you saw the smiles you put on people’s faces when they watched you dance. You love everything about the way your body moves, and you are in love with your gift. That’s an easy why to know.

But, if you haven’t found your why, you need to check for pain points.

Daymond John, businessman and TV personality, highlights pain points related to why in his book, The Power of Broke. When we face our vulnerability head-on, we often use a “purposeful why” to find our way through it.

The pain point approach is also validated in the movie-turned book “On the Come Up” by Angie Thomas. The sixteen-year-old character Bri is a competitive rapper who gets repeatedly triggered in battles.

Her competitors use her family wounds against her to stifle her talent. Bri’s father was murdered because of his gangster rap lyrics, and her mother is a recovering drug addict. Every competitor marks these pain points as her legacy, and Bri flounders.

Eventually, Bri leans into the vulnerability of her past instead of allowing it to be a reactionary rage of shame. She rips out an astounding winning rap about her life that recognizes its struggles.

Bri finds her “why” in the struggle. Instead of using rap as an escape, she uses it as a healing tool. She heals herself and others through her transparency and authenticity.

When Bri uses rap to take her through the pain, not away from it, she wins. My empowerment work took me through the pain of my past after living in silence for over 40 years. My new friend has the similar experience.

Our precise pain points are different, but they all connect to why we do what we do. So, if you struggle to understand why you do what you do, or want what you want, start with the pain you resist.

Vulnerability Is Strength

Sometimes when I meet with clients for the first time, they don’t know what they want to address with me or why they are there. To help them find clarity, I sometimes ask, “what do you not want me to know about you?”

Surprisingly, they go right to a pain point that leads us to their why — “I had an affair.” “I used to have sex for money.” “I hate myself.” Once they lean into their vulnerability, I can genuinely support them. Then they can do the work without fear of rejection.

Clinging to fear of rejection, abandonment, or not being enough will prevent you from understanding why you desire what you do. Finding your why is not for the faint of heart.

The why invitation is accepted by those ready to do heart work. For it is your heart that has the desire, and your heart that will deliver it. Try not to let your head get in the way.