Rosenna Bakari

Processing emotions puts them under a microscope to see the finer details. The microscope can be formal, such as therapy, or informal such as writing poetry, but it must be intentional. The objective is to look within to understand your vulnerability better.

Confusing the processing of emotions with venting is common. People vent in their journals, in poetry, and with therapists and friends. The difference between processing and venting is plain to state but challenging to do. The mind uses venting to protect itself from discomfort rather than understanding.

When venting, the conversation is about what was done to you. You talk about the other person’s actions and how they made you feel. You judge their character.

When processing emotions, you seek a deeper understanding of yourself. Why did the situation trigger you? You investigate yourself without judgment, blame, or shame.

Failing to Process

First, you must separate your feelings from your reaction. You may react angrily, but your feeling may be shame. Responding with anger protects your vulnerability.

Another example is when you respond with advice to someone expressing emotional pain. Your mind tells you this is the way to be helpful even though the person doesn’t want your advice. They want your compassion. Because you don’t offer it, conflict occurs, and you think your friend is being too sensitive.

If you process your emotions, you could find pain similar to your friend’s hidden inside you. You want your friend to stop talking about their pain so that you can keep your pain hidden. The conflict leads you to vent about your friend instead of processing.

Emotional Defense

Sigmund Freud, the notorious psychologist, identified how people avoid processing painful emotions. He collectively termed the responses “ego defense mechanisms.” Everyone uses them for managing emotions. But the overuse of them separates us from our authentic selves.

Self-observation is an essential step toward processing emotions. The first assignment I give to my empowerment clients is to observe their use of defense mechanisms after they learn about them: Introjection, projection, displacement, denial, reaction formation, sublimation, and regression.

Introjection

Introjection is taking on the emotions of the environment instead of revealing your feelings. No matter how happy you are, you collectively grieve when you are at the funeral of the 94-year-old uncle who died in his sleep. You don’t dare focus on being glad you just got a promotion. You take on the emotions of the environment.

Projection

Projection is seeing in someone else what is too uncomfortable for you to see in yourself. For example, rather than address suspicion that your partner is having an affair, you suggest to your friend that their spouse may be cheating.

Displacement

Displacement involves expressing your feelings toward the wrong person — presumably a safer person. The stressed parent yells at the children after a hard day at the office. The coach yells at the referee when losing the game. Emotions will seep to the lowest level of unconsciousness.

Denial

Denial has different angles. You can deny that a circumstance exists altogether, or you can deny the consequences. If a doctor diagnoses you with high blood pressure and prescribes medication, you may express denial.

You can reject the diagnosis by believing your pressure was temporarily elevated due to your previous argument with your co-worker. Or, you accept the diagnosis but refuse to take medication because no one in your family has heart disease.

Your underlying reason for the denial is your fear that the medicine will cause weight gain, and you take pride in your figure.

Reaction formation

Have you ever laughed to stop yourself from crying? Reaction formation defense is acting the opposite of your genuine emotion. A typical scenario is smiling and laughing all through dinner with the in-laws while counting the seconds until they leave your house.

At the end of sports competitions, when the winners shake the losers’ hands, reaction formation occurs. The winners contain their pride for humility, and the losers hold their disappointment.

Sublimation

Sublimation finds an appropriate expression of desire that differs from the real desire. Retired people often find a less demanding job that still allows them to use their talent.

Second marriages fail more often than first marriages because couples sublimate. “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with” is a song about sublimation.

Regression

Regression is returning to a previous stage of development to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Every time you get angry and say mean things, you are regressing.

Adults develop practical communication skills. Just because your communication doesn’t get you what you want doesn’t mean you should go back to throwing emotional tantrums.

When jilted lovers return to a life of promiscuity, they are regressing to deal with their feelings of abandonment.

Managing Emotions

You manage emotions when defense mechanisms are a conscious part of your empowerment toolbox. The unconscious use of defenses allows them to manage you. Managing emotions results from healthy processing combined with mental discipline and control. The result is self-regulation.

Managing emotions considers internal and external stimuli to filter emotions. Self-regulation does a background check to prevent strong feelings from carrying you away. Consider the example.

You are upset with your spouse because you are not spending enough time together. Your ex texts you to see how you are doing since you married six months ago. They offer to take you to lunch. You get emotionally aroused because your ex used to give you plenty of attention.

Self-regulation will do a background check for emotional defenses. Hmm, sublimation alert. You want to settle for attention from the ex because the spouse is unavailable.

Regression, you start flirting since your romantic needs aren’t met. You hadn’t flirted with anyone since you met your husband.

Denial, you tell yourself it’s just lunch.

The background check tunes into your most authentic self and red flags your arousal. Emotional processing curbs your arousal. You use mental discipline to decline the invitation and bypass the thump in your heart. Self-regulation keeps you faithfully married.

Self-regulation

All defense mechanisms should be used sparingly and consciously. But, most people are unaware that they use them at all. Their defenses have become their personality.

Where abuse, neglect, or grief has occurred, you must come out of survival mode to manage emotions. Managing emotions, as opposed to defense mechanisms, requires you to be your authentic self.

If you hide your authentic self due to shame, pain, or fear, you are in survival mode. You must process those original emotions that linger deep within you before you can let go of ego defenses.

From here, I leave you to grapple with your ego defenses that may insist that there is nothing you must change about yourself. You are justified to be exactly who you are. Continue to look for people who will accept you without wanting you to be different.

The only question you need to ask your ego is, do you live with peace and joy? If the answer is no, or I don’t know what that feels like, it’s time to dive into the emotional work.