Once upon a time, the world was simpler. People lived robotic lives with cultural scripts. There were few decisions to make about how you live your life because enduring emotional pain in silence was a significant part of the script.
Now, the scripts are being rewritten. Living with unaddressed emotional pain is optional. Professional or paraprofessional help is available. Books, podcasts, and membership programs are available for minimal cost. Insurance and private pay services are options depending on your resources. Yet, many people refuse to address their pain.
I talked with some friends, colleagues, and even clients about their experience healing pain and why they thought so many people refuse to seek professional help. Highlighting these issues is the least I can do to help relieve unnecessary suffering.
Healing in Silence
Professionals in the field of emotional wellness work behind closed doors with little recognition despite the lives we save. Meanwhile, movies display an avatar professional helper and client that make seeking help distasteful. In truth, many practitioners do profound work helping clients reorganize their thinking and lives to match their ideal selves.
The most vulnerable I’ve ever been was sitting on my therapist’s lap. She invited me to do so after 15 minutes of deep grief sobbing. It was a moment that changed my worldview by validating my right to grieve. Yet, I never wanted to be reminded of it and thought I’d never speak about it again.
Stereotypes prevail because people don’t know what to expect from professional help. These are some misinformed reasons people do not seek help.
- They don’t think they need professional help
- Dealing with painful emotions is scary
- They’re not ready to forgive
- They need someone to admit the wrongdoing
- It’s too expensive
- They’re too busy helping others
These reasons are based on misguided stereotypes about an unfamiliar profession. What goes on in the helping profession is mainly unknown because people don’t typically discuss it when they seek help. So, misinformation prevails. If you have been using any of these excuses, you can finally put them to rest.
You Don’t Need Professional Help
I used to be a diehard DIYer. I take pride in my do-it-yourself projects. I am also the first to admit that they never look professional. It looks like I did it myself. From tiling my bathroom to landscaping and cleaning my car, the highest points are for effort, not outcome.
Reprogramming the mind requires a similar level of expertise as repairing a broken body part. You can tend to your sprained wrist without a doctor, but not your broken hand. Emotional injuries that impact your ability to navigate life with ease also require professional attention.
You may have a hypersensitivity to criticism that makes relationships difficult. A lack of confidence may prevent you from advancing on your job. Fear of being alone could trap you in abusive relationships.
Moreover, people like to do what they are good at doing. You risk perpetuating life problems when you become an expert problem solver. When you allow professionals to help you, you can release your identity as a problem solver and stop creating problems in your life to be solved.
Dealing With Painful Emotions Is Scary
Whatever you are afraid to feel will do more damage at the unconscious level than allowing them to rise to the surface. Not knowing you have high blood pressure puts you at risk of a heart attack. Refusing dialysis will cause death. Ignoring trauma can make you wish you were dead.
Any underlying issues can be supported better professionally than unprofessionally when you find the right practitioner. The first practitioner I went to focused on helping me express my anger.
So, I hit a lot of pillows and cried. But, I never told the therapist that I was angry and hated myself for not preventing my abuse. Almost 20 years passed before I found a practitioner who helped me address my problem’s root.
Many people withhold essential information from practitioners to feel safe. That is a trauma response. Specifically, it relates to a maladaptive attempt to protect your inner child. Withholding information, hiding, or being secretive may have been used for survival. You still carry that pattern. Ironically, silence doesn’t protect you. It keeps you vulnerable.
You Must Forgive
I have written liberally about the myths of healing and forgiveness. I know firsthand the damage forced forgiveness can do. I knew religious organizations, families, and communities espoused forgiveness at the expense of survivors’ well-being. But, I only recently realized that some therapists also proselytize forgiveness.
In the book “Before Forgiving: Cautionary Views of Forgiveness in Psychotherapy,” Holmgren cautions therapists to work through clients’ pain before raising the issue of forgiveness. There is plenty to work on other than forgiveness.
Quality therapists meet clients where they are on their healing journey. So being unwilling to forgive should not stop you from seeking help. A therapist should not raise the issue of forgiveness with clients unless the client clearly indicates a desire.
When there is no more pain to hold onto, forgiveness arises organically. So, I never work with my clients on forgiveness, not even self-forgiveness. I work on helping them connect and understand their inner selves and create healthy patterns of being in the world. Most professionals work that way.
If you are working with a therapist who forces the topic of forgiveness, that is not a normal therapeutic experience. Before you agree to work with a professional, you can ask them how they plan to help you. If they bring up forgiveness, look for another professional.
