For a long time, mothers have been the brunt of psychology jokes. Most notably, “Mommy Issues” pokes fun at the long-term effects of the problematic relationship between mother and child. Adults who struggle to develop or maintain healthy relationships are teased about their relationships with their mothers.
Meanwhile, the divorce rate is higher than 50%, and single-parent households are even greater. Perhaps we should have more serious conversations about our relationships with our mothers. This article will do just that — have a serious discussion about mommy issues.
I’ll skip most of the research on the subject but will include the references at the end because I’d rather you argue with the research than send me nasty emails for talking about your mother. I know that criticizing the matriarch is a “no, no” in most cultures. So, I’ll tread lightly.
Let’s start by giving mom the credit she deserves with good humor.
Question: Why is a computer so smart?
Answer: Because it listens to its motherboard.
Smart Mothering
Research clearly shows that responding to children’s needs for physical touch, comfort, and safety is essential for brain development. A mother’s response to her infant’s needs sends messages about how that infant should navigate the world.
Brain development has less to do with intelligence and more to do with how children position themselves in the world as they grow into complex interactions with it. As children grow, they will see themselves as acting as agents in the world or victims responding to the world. The mother-child relationship has a more significant effect on emotional intelligence than IQ.
In psychology, the mother-child dynamic is explored through the concept of “attachment.” Attachment refers to the child’s willingness to (1) seek out their mother when distressed. The child must also (2) positively respond to the mother’s attempt to comfort. When both these conditions are met, a child is considered “securely attached.”
Mothers have a critical post-partum responsibility. Getting children here is not enough and deserves no accolades. What mothers do after their children arrive matters most. Mother and child must become a synchronized pair for children to have the best adult outcome.
The perfect pair between mother and child is a mirroring relationship where they work in tandem. When the mother smiles, the baby smiles. A whimper from the baby triggers nurturance from the mother. She checks for a soiled diaper, upset tummy, etc. This bonding strengthens into toddlerhood and beyond to make children feel safe and loved.
Childhood Interrupted
The ideal mother-child bond allows infants to take risks and use mothers as a soft landing when things go wrong. As children grow, the trust between mother and child is extended, first to family members and eventually to the world. If someone breaks the child’s trust, the mother should still be a soft landing to repair the child’s worldview.
Unfortunately, well-intentioned mothers can contribute to a child’s mistrust and prevents risk-taking. Inadequate care can be passed down unwittingly through generations.
Skin-to-skin contact, tone of voice, responsiveness to discomfort, number of words exchanged, nonverbal expressions of acceptance, and meeting basic needs are required to bond in the first year of life. Feeling love for a child is not adequate care.
When a child must find alternative soothing, emotional dysregulation occurs. When a child doesn’t have practice making mistakes without consequences, they don’t learn how to take risks. Many children don’t have practice trusting themselves or others.
Bonding Distress
Mother-bonding distress extends beyond infancy. Many adults have had a childhood that never felt “childish.” They were always expected to make life convenient for adults around them. For example, three-year-olds can’t get their clothing dirty without punishment. Six-year-olds wash dishes every night while the mother takes care of the baby brother. Ten-year-olds call their mom’s job to report that she is sick when she has a hangover.
The scenarios are endless where children’s psyches are thrust into the adult world. Toddler narcissism is never tolerated. Preschool naiveté is scorned, and teenage independence is thwarted. Instead of children being born into a world that revolves around their needs, they are born into a world that requires them to master adults’ needs.
Many children grow into adults who have learned to survive in the external world but not thrive in their inner world. They don’t know how to respond to internal stimuli because they have been reared to focus on what is happening around them, not inside them. The consequence is “disorganized attachment” in relationships. Adults struggle with relationships when, as children, their inner experiences are ignored by their caregivers.
Permission to Heal
If this information resonates with you, the answer is “yes.” You can blame your failed relationships on your mother. However, once you recognize the problem, you cannot hold her accountable for repairing your worldview. Blaming your mother for your current choices will not move you forward.
This article does not seek to validate a desire to blame your mother for your life dissatisfaction. Rather, the information is an invitation to heal what you didn’t recognize was wrong.
Many adults live with the illusion that their mothers “raised them well.” Society associates success with good parenting. Success denies adults the right to process how they were raised.
Abracadabra, physical abuse is remembered as developing discipline. Emotional abuse is marked as high standards and preparing children for the real world. Neglect is spoken about as freedom to explore. On the other hand, childhood survival methods such as running away are remembered as defiance.
Successful adults are obligated to show gratitude toward their mothers. Only the ungrateful criticizes their mother. Holding mothers accountable is hardly worth the backlash from relatives and strangers. After all, a mother is the reason we are all here.
Maybe you have given your mother a pass on everything at the expense of healing your disorganized attached relationships. You don’t have to do so. You can live in your truth and still extend compassion, forgiveness, or grace to your mother. But, you get to grieve what you didn’t have and acknowledge the impact on your life.
Relationship Distress
Disorganized attachment is an attachment that is accompanied by fear and anxiety. Someone with disorganized attachment can love someone and distrust them without cause. The disorganized attachment person may demand their loved one be in close physical proximity while remaining emotionally disengaged. In general, people who have disorganized attachment don’t feel emotionally safe in relationships.
The distress in relationships comes from within the person. However, they do not have the psychological experience to respond to internal stimuli. So, they manifest the distress externally to react to it. There are common characteristics of how disorganized attached individuals show up in relationships.
- You have difficulty admitting you were wrong.
- Apologizing brings a sense of shame.
- You are highly observant of others’ behavior and the environment.
- Being disappointed profoundly affects you.
- You are highly critical of your partner.
- Receiving feedback makes you defensive.
These characteristics do not necessarily determine the success or failure of relationships, and they are offered for personal deliberation, not for you to accuse someone of having disorganized attachment. It’s common for persons with disorganized attachments to attract one another. So, it’s best to pluck the beam from your own eye.
